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I Thought It Was Called Bob Sledding

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I’ve never been much on the Olympics, but I certainly don’t understand the Winter Olympics.

There are 41 Summer Olympic events and 15 Winter Olympic events. I don’t think I’m the only one who finds the Winter Olympics completely uninteresting. That’s why I believe that most of the Winter Olympic sports need to be tossed or replaced to get more interest.

For example, did you know that it’s not called Bob Sledding? It’s called Bobsleigh.

The remaining Winter Olympics are Alpine Skiing, Biathlon, Cross Country Skiing, Curling, Figure Skating, Freestyle Skiing, Ice Hockey, Luge, Nordic Combined, Short Track Speed Skating, Skeleton, Ski Jumping, Snowboard, and Speed Skating.

I’d toss all of those except for Hockey, Skeleton and Curling. Keep hockey because we know what that is and because there’s fighting involved. Keep Skeleton because it has a cool name. I don’t know what Skeleton is, other than people no bigger than a skeleton lie down on a sled-like-thing and go really fast on the ice, but I’d keep it. Curling could keep its name, but change the sport to include fat, middle-aged guys who do 12-ounce curls with Bud Light until there’s only one guy left.

I would also add a sport called “Parking at Wal-Mart”. Competitors would circle the lot in an SUV in the sleet and snow. The winner would be the one who was the first to park their Toyota Sequoia in a slot closest to the front door without running over a woman and her nine children.

In 1977, there was winter precipitation three Wednesdays in a row where I lived. The first week it rained, then froze. The second week it sleeted. The third week it snowed. At no time in between did it get above freezing. My buddies and I made the best of our school snow days and found cardboard boxes behind the Piggly Wiggly, which we turned into sleds. We drug the cardboard to the nearby lot where the road department kept their piles of gravel and turned the now-frozen hills into competition.

I’d recommend that we recreate that scenario, complete with a real Piggly Wiggly, for a new Winter Olympics sport called “1977”. Each competitor would have to slide down a hill 1,977 times, or until their cardboard disintegrated.

I think people would watch.

It would have to be more interesting than Bobsleigh.

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