Women’s clothing sizes make no sense. Guys clothing sizes make complete sense.

When I go buy a pair of pants or a shirt, it’s easy. As long as I know my waist size and the length, I can buy a pair of pants. Ditto with the neck size on a shirt.

This easy system allows men to quickly grab five pair of identical $10 pants and five identical $10 shirts and toss them into the buggy during our every-seven-year-pilgrimage to Walmart. These items replace the old pants and shirts that looked just like the new ones, but finally were covered with too many Quaker State and salsa stains to keep our wives off our backs.

Women’s clothing, I believe, is sized through a CIA double-naught spy system that prevents any woman from actually knowing what size she is. That keeps her in the store longer, which allows a sales lady the opportunity to convince her she needs five other items to complete her new outfit, all while complimenting her on how small of a size she wears.

Here is an actual discussion I had with a woman at work:

  • Her: “My husband found a pair of designer size 34 pants on sale for $10 when I took him to the mall!”
  • Me: “You took him to the mall? Don’t you love him?”
  • Her: (ignores my last comment)
  • Me: “Ten dollars is a good price. How much are they normally?”
  • Her: “About $100.”
  • Me: (swallowed tongue and lost consciousness)

After I regained consciousness, she proceeded to also inform me that wedding dresses could sometimes be sized larger than regular women’s sizes. So, if a woman is normally a size 10 (whatever that is), she could be a 16 in wedding dress.

I don’t know who’s in charge of the marketing for wedding dresses, but they need to be told that women don’t ever want to think they’re fat, especially on their wedding day.

After doing some lengthy, extensive research on the women’s clothing size system (Wikipedia), I discovered that there are actually several different sizing systems everywhere in the world. In the US, sizes for women range from a zero to a 24.

I’m not sure how anyone can be a size zero, but guys, my advice is to buy your wife a high-dollar size zero dress early in your marriage so she’ll love you enough to never ever ask you to go to the mall.