Well, I have done it! I will be sleeping in the garage for a month. Any man who is married can understand this one. My wife came home today with a new haircut. I was, of course, here at work, so she sends me a text message with a couple photos and the first question she asks, "DO YOU LIKE IT?"

Gentlemen, let me be clear. This is not a real question, and under no circumstances should you answer this honestly! My wife has beautiful long red hair, or it was long, and I just didn't understand the need to mess with perfection. I was bamboozled, so I answered.

Let me be clear about a couple things here. I love my wife, no matter what her hair looks like. Secondly, it's just hair, and it will grow back, right?

I should have remembered that before I opened my mouth and answered that question! I knew what the appropriate answer should have been. It is of course, "IT LOOKS GREAT HONEY!"

I had the desire, but not the ability. As I opened my mouth (or fingers) and blurted out, "It's not my favorite, no!" It was almost uncontrollable, a reflex, a reaction to something that sent me into shock.

I could see the disappointment through the phone. She apparently loved it. She called it fun and sassy. I thought it looked messy and like a rat's nest.

But what do I know? I have been bald since I was 29! I keep telling myself that it will grow back and everythig will be OK, but when I look at her haircut, I can't help but think to myself, "We paid someone $80 to do that to you? Can we get a refund?"

When she reads this, I may need a doctor from the beating she gives me with a baseball bat.

So, the moral of the story is, don't ever answer this question. It is a trap, just like the, "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" question.

I have compiled a top 10 list of answers to help you in any such situation. They are guaranteed to work if you are ever cornered in such a situation as I was.

  • 10. "You look fantastic, no matter what, honey."
  • 9. "You only paid $80 for that? That's a great deal!"
  • 8. "Wow, that haircut really brings out your eyes."
  • 7. "That haircut only took four hours? Wow, I would have thought it would take longer."
  • 6. "Oh my! That is really nice."
  • 5. "The way your hair glistens in the sun now is glorious!"
  • 4. "I didn't like the long hair anyway!"
  • 3. "That is gorgeous honey, very good choice."
  • 2. "You should have done that a long time ago. Looks great!"
  • 1. "It doesn't matter what you do honey. You're beautiful to me!

Stick to those top 10 and you cannot go wrong. If you need me for the next few weeks, I will be between the golf clubs and the lawnmower in the garage on the air mattress. See you on the radio!

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