Texans have amazing ways to describe things. Especially when it comes to explaining how something (or someone) is ugly. As someone who’s lived all over the state, I can tell you that I’ve heard some older folks drop some real bombshells in real life.

While I think that beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, and that a person’s outside is as pretty as their insides…I’ve got to say that all of these have been delivered with nothing short of brute force and accuracy. No-nonsense and straight-to-the point, yet outrageously descriptive, these colloquialisms will have you rolling--even if you’re the target.

1. He looks like he was inside the outhouse when the lightning struck

I heard this one from an old rancher and it stuck with me. What does it mean? Electrified and covered with poop? Or just electrified and soot-covered? Think of a poor soul who’s minding his business doing number two and boom goes Zeus. Does the man smell like burnt poop? I keep picturing Pig-pen from Charlie Brown.

2. She can’t help being ugly, but she could stay home.

This one I heard from my Grandma, but she didn't know that I heard her say it. She was standing with her group of friends when the deacon’s wife walked by, wearing some kind of ghoulish, neon-green get up. My Grandma smiled and waved hello, then as soon as the lady was out of earshot, she unloaded that with a sharp whisper to be burned forever in my memory. Old Texas housewives are vicious, and I always use this gem as the prime example of this contention.

3. So ugly his mama takes him everywhere she goes so she doesn’t have to kiss him good-bye.

Another gem from my Grandma here. This one was about a poor, unfortunate-looking cousin of mine when he was about a toddler. Yes, there was a scuffle between Grandma and my Auntie when she caught wind of what was said. Yes, my cousin grew out of it and is now a strapping young man with no self-esteem issues.

4. She got whipped with an ugly stick.

Surprisingly, this one was not from my Grandma. It was one of her friends who casually drawled this insult out as she watched Madonna sashay across the screen here recently. Simple, yet so deeply savage that I gasped and looked at her with a mix of shock and judgement. Yet...it’s not like she was wrong…..

5. So ugly his mama had to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dogs would play with him.

This one, I actually saw while scrolling through one of the many Jason Collier (a disgraced local Chief-of-Police who was uhhh…..plain looking...yet managed to have about ten different wives, fiances, and girlfriends before getting busted on social media) threads flying around. I read this one and had to suddenly stop scrolling and scream because gat-DANG it, how vicious! Then I called my Grandma to share it with her.

There you have it, folks. That’s five of the most unbelievably savage ways that Texans can say someone is ugly. Use any of these expressions at your own risk.

Now, I’m going to go sit by the phone and wait for my Grandma to call after she reads this article. I’m sure she’ll have some new ways to call me “dumb” after this. I’ll report back later.

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