Put down the Rocky Mountain Oysters for a moment, because you don’t want to be eating when you find out what this North Carolina woman was arrested for doing to a (now former) friend of hers. You may also want to think twice about picking those “oysters” back up afterwards.

Joyce Maxine Gregory is apparently the kind of woman who really knows how to take a bull by the horns. Or, rather, how to take a man by the dirty bits. The spunky 35-year-old lass was in the midst of an argument with her 59-year-old guy friend, who police say she once had “some sort of a romantic” relationship with, when she turned to violence to get her point across. She may have been better able to make a clear argument if she hadn’t been “highly intoxicated on some type of narcotic” but it’s too late for that.

Gregory, not being of sound mind, instead of continuing to articulate her point, lunged after her buddy and grabbed him by his family jewels. Then, she crossed the line that no gal pal should ever cross. She squeezed those precious stones. And then she squeezed them some more. Her victim, the clear loser in the argument, was able to “jerk away from her grip” but not before she ripped open his coin sack and forced out one of his testicles. We’re sorry. We know this is painful, but that’s how it happened. These are the facts.

The poor man was able to escape to a nearby EMS station where he called 911 and received initial treatment before being taken to a local hospital. Gregory was arrested at the scene and is now facing a charge of malicious castration. We find that to be a bit redundant since it seems like any castration would be malicious, but this castration does seem particularly heinous, so perhaps the added descriptor is necessary. She is also charged with assault causing serious bodily injury, and it’s important to note that she felt it necessary to urinate in the back of the squad car on the way to jail.

The victim’s injuries, while painful, did not cause serious permanent damage. A urologist told police that his nether regions “could be fixed with several stitches and that no serious long term damage had occurred.”

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