Men need hearing aides.

By the spelling, I obviously mean men need a person to help them hear, not an electronic device planted in their ear canal.

You see, God wired men to only hear the most important sounds so that they could recognize potential problems or opportunities. These sounds include, but are not limited to: a Harley with a bad cylinder, a bartender yelling “last call,” and the first three notes of “You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC, even when the radio is turned almost all of the way down.

Men are not made to hear crying babies, aging washing machines that sound like the Battle of Gettysburg, or anything that airs on the Lifetime Network.

This is why men must have women. To tell them when they need to pay attention.

Sample conversation:

Woman: “Why aren’t you dressed? We’re supposed to be at my parent’s house for dinner and Pictionary in 30 minutes. (long pause) Honey, did you not hear what I said?”

Man:  “I think that Harley that just drove by has a bad cylinder.”

Woman: (cocks pistol)

Women think that men are ignoring them. But they’re not. Men really don’t hear certain things.

This has absolutely been proven. Not by a scientific study, but by the number of times I’ve been married.

Without a doubt, women are here to save men from themselves. Women see, hear and sense things that men would blindly and bullishly plow into without a second thought. Women are our saving grace.

It’s the ability of all women to keep their cool and put up with men that’s prevented the extinction of the human race. If women didn’t have the patience they do, they’d all have moved back in with their mothers by now or would have lured us into a fatal ambush by yelling “Last Call!”

So, on behalf of all men: Thanks, ladies, for loving us in spite of the fact that sometimes we’re insensitive, forgetful, selfish pigs.

But most of all, thanks for hearing me out.