Top 4 Things I Wish the Russian Hackers Would Hack Instead of GAS

Like a lot of people this week, I heard the news that there is a gasoline shortage because some hackers from Russia tapped into the gasoline grid and did some dirty work. They apparently disrupted the flow of operations at gas pipelines in the parts of the deep South. This diabolical plan has resulted in thousands of car drivers scrambling for gas, some resorting to desperate means of hoarding. Fortunately, we aren't expected to feel much of a shortage here in East Texas. Whew!

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I have seen real photos on Twitter of people filling up dozens of gas cans. Others have been photographed at gas stations pumping gas into clear plastic bags and storing them in their trunks. I call these people big dummies because all it will take is one spark around those bags and their car will become an instant car bomb!

This very scenario has already happened this week in South Carolina. Not only was the victim driving a stolen car, but she was also involved in a police chase. Her car flipped over during the chase and it exploded because she had all of that gasoline stored in bags in her trunk. Her body even caught on fire and the police had to call an ambulance to rush her to the hospital!

Oh, the tales we weave when we hoard up all the gas!

Here are four things I wish the hackers from Russia would exploit instead of the gas system:

MY STUDENT LOANS: I want them to hack into Sallie Mae and Navient and delete everybody's student loans, including mine! What's the hold up, man? I owe them a crap-ton of debt!

MY BAR TAB: It would be cool if they hacked the register so that every time I went to my favorite daiquiri bar (Flavors Daiquiri Cafe on Broadway Ave), it would only cost 38 cents no matter what I ordered.

HACK MY DOOR DASH ACCOUNT AND PUT SOME MONEY IN IT: I'm gonna need some hackers to get inside my food delivery apps and put some money on it so that every time I order something, there is always enough to cover it (with enough to cover the 20% tip, because I ain't a cheapskate)!

SELF-CHECKOUT STANDS: Russia, if you're listening, can you find a way to where everything I ring up at the checkout lane at the grocery store comes out to 38 cents per item? Kthanksbye!